im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
