Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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