I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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