My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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