at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
