She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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