You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize