I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
