The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Found the puke drawer
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
