I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
