and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
