Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize