i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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