Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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