need another drink. this is the easiest way
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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