What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
