i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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