non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
