Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
