please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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