I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
