Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
