Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
