I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
