It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
