If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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