Christians are straight up FREAKS
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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