You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My penis needs a shock collar
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
