True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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