I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
