i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
