Welp...herpes.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
