Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize