I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
