she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
