My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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