So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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