I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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