somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
