He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
