someone get that fucking seahorse.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
