I could make wine with my vomit
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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