I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He felt like a one man threesome
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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