I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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