We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
