Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
