I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
