The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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