You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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