why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
