His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
