don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
