Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
