No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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