I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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