Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
