Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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