we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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