Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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