I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Who wears a wallet chain?!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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