He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
