You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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