bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There are leaves in my underwear?
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